Do I have postpartum depression or is this normal?

From baby blues to postpartum depression, this is a glimpse at my mental health journey after giving birth.

Full disclosure: I still don’t know if I had postpartum depression (PPD) or if it was just the baby blues.

With a degree in psychology and a mood-disorder diagnosis in 2013, I thought I’d be equipped to recognise the signs of postpartum depression. Not to mention our antenatal class teacher had shared the red flags with us and I had read all the books.

The ‘baby blues’ phase

According to Mayo Clinic, symptoms of the baby blues only last for “a few days to a week or two after your baby is born”. Certainly in those first two weeks, I experienced a fundamental shift in my being. I remember my mom phoning me about a week in and suggesting I was experiencing a depressive episode. I was crying and shouting, but I knew the emotions I was feeling were not depression. I had been depressed before and this was not it. I simply could not stop the waves of emotion washing over me. I would go to the store and cry, or see my lactation specialist or physio and cry. It got to a point where I would tell people to just ignore me because these weren’t tears of sadness or despair. It felt like my body had to reset and I could not control it.

A few months later, I read about how your body retains water during pregnancy and for some women this comes out in the form of postpartum sweating. A friend of mine had this experience, but when she asked me about it, I said my water had all exited through my eyeballs! I didn’t sweat any more than usual after giving birth, but like I say, my eyes were simply leaking what felt like 24/7.

The signs of postpartum depression

Looking at the signs of postpartum depression, I think at some point my baby blues morphed into postpartum depression. With the help of my psychiatrist, I had come off my medication prior to starting fertility treatments (my son was the result of IVF) and my doctor said it could go one of two ways – I could experience a mood boost or I could become depressed. At first, during pregnancy, I felt better than I had ever felt. Then, post-birth, I hit the baby blue phase. But at some point, the lack of sleep (my baby was a velcro baby), returning to work, and struggling to find time to exercise, eat or even use the toilet all got to me.

That said, I’d honestly have to challenge any mom who says she’s never experienced any of the following (or, if you truly haven’t, tell me your secrets!):

• Withdrawing from family and friends
• Loss of appetite or eating more than usual
• Inability to sleep or sleeping too much
• Overwhelming tiredness or loss of energy
• Less interest and pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
• Intense irritability and anger
• Fear that you’re not a good mother
• Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt or inadequacy
• Reduced ability to think clearly, concentrate or make decisions
• Severe anxiety and panic attacks

To some extent, I experienced many of these symptoms for the first two years of my child’s life. Some, I still experience even though he’s three years old now.

It was only after my son turned two that I was able to start repairing relationships with my parents and my husband – unfortunately they bore the brunt of my mood swings. It was only after I weaned him off breastmilk at 18 months that he and I started sleeping through the night. It’s only since December last year (with the help of Chat-GPT!) that I’m managing to eat consistent meals. And it’s only since my son turned three that I’ve been able to start exploring the activities I used to enjoy, such as writing and reading, and am able to concentrate and think clearly at work.

But I still experience postpartum rage and anxiety. At least once a day I think I’m not a good mother. And almost every day I feel mom guilt.

Taking the step to get help

My psychiatrist had given me the name and number of a therapist when I was pregnant. And, despite my ability to misplace most of my belongings on the daily, after my son turned two, I miraculously found the paper with her details on it! But it felt like I would be taking a major step to call her. In some ways I felt I had failed. I had successfully come off my meds after being on them for 13 years. I had a happy marriage, and now I had the child I had wanted so badly. Why then did I feel so confused and lost? 

But I had been here before and had waited too long to get help the last time. And I had promised my family and friends that if I ever needed help again, I would get it. So I called the number and made the appointment. Almost a year later, I am still seeing that therapist. She helped me navigate the Terrible Twos, while dealing with upheavals at work, challenging family relationships, and the loss of myself. In the beginning, all I wanted was to know how long I’d need therapy for, how long I’d need to be on meds again, how long until I felt better. Now, I’ve accepted the helping hands around me, and I’m realising that “better” may not look how I picture it. This is my new life, and this is my documentation of it.

Whether you think you have PPD or not, if you’re struggling with any part of your own journey, I encourage you to chat to your doctor or nurse, or contact the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG). It can be terrifying, I know, but as moms, we can’t afford to not put ourselves first sometimes. We can’t afford to not lean on our communities, to not at least try to build a village.

Note: I am not a qualified mental health professional. This space is for reflection and connection only and is not a substitute for professional support. If you are experiencing significant emotional distress or feel unsafe, please seek support from a qualified professional or trusted healthcare provider.